How I went from shy, insecure and lonely to becoming confident in who I am!
Until 5 years ago, I wasn`t the person I desperately wanted to be.
I was incredibly shy (I couldn`t speak in front of three people and would avoid any kind of spotlight at all cost), insecure (I hated myself for being that shy and introverted and thought I would never amount to anything) and lonely (because of all the things above).
I thought Personality is permanent. Turns out it isn`t.
It actually turns out that we can radically change who are and what kind of life we create.
And every single person on this Planet today has the ability to do so.
In order to live up to our true Potential, we`ll need to reinvent ourselves. Because the things we`re doing now might be the exact things preventing us from the next Level.
I had to realize that. I had to realize that I was standing in my own way towards realizing my true potential vs. what I actually believed to be true about myself.
I desperately needed to change who I was.
But I had no clue how.
At some point, though, I had hit rock bottom. Exactly five years ago. The first woman I had ever opened up to had just left me. I was living in a new town. And I had no friends.
I thought about quitting. Moving back home. Living miserably.
But some voice in my head told me to ask for help. Unfortunately, I had that fear of being seen weak. So instead of asking any human being, I asked Google.
Thankfully, I found my first Personal Development-Book which completely changed my life.
Was changing who I was easy?
No. It was a Struggle. I had some kind of a Vision. And a Roadmap. But I had still little clue of what I was actually doing. And for a long time it didn`t feel like I was actually moving forward.
But over a matter of six months, I was able to completely reshape who I was. To me, that still feels incredibly surreal, because I never believed it to be actually even possible.
But ever since, I`ve constantly worked on myself, torn down old beliefs and gone beyond what I ever believed to be even possible.
I had to expand my dreams. Because I quickly surpassed them.
And in this Article, I want to show you everything I learned along that journey. Because this isn`t about me, anybody can do this.
But it sure helps to have a Roadmap of someone who did it. So here are the sixthings you need to do in order to reinvent yourself:
The next Level in Life is always dependant on one of three things:
And true Power comes from focusing on all three. They open up doors you never believed to be available to you. As I started to reinvent myself, I had to focus on all of them to reach the next Level.
So let´s start with your Skill Development!
“I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” — Pablo Picasso
I always believed that I am shy and introverted. That this is who I am.
Well, it turns out that this is not true.
Being shy has nothing to do with our Personality. It`s a lack of Communication-Skills. Which leads to a lack of Confidence and Fear of putting ourselves out there.
And being an introvert actually says nothing about how well we can communicate. It simply describes the difference in how we`re refueling our Energy-Reservoirs.
Introverts refuel by spending time with themselves. Extroverts by spending time with others. That`s all.
Those descriptions (and others, like “I`m a procastrinator, lazy, not good at networking, etc.”) are simply cheap excuses.
So guess what?
If I wanted to live the Life I dreamed of living, I had to focus on developing my Communciation-Skills.
Because Confidence isn`t something we`re born with. It`s developed. And I simply was incredibly insecure around other people, because I hadn`t developed my Communication-Skills.
I hated how I sounded or appeared or looked. So instead of working on my Skills, I simply had stopped communicating (literally, I almost never talked).
The first step then simply was to focus on becoming an excellent Communicator.
I wasn`t born into it. I realized that in order to reach my Vision, I had to develop those Skills.
What are the three to five skills you need to develop in order to reach that next Level?
The Greats weren`t born great at what they did and do. They developed it.
Kobe Bryant wasn`t the best Basketball-Player of all the time. At age 11, he played in a Summer League in Philadelphia and didn`t score a single point. The entire Summer. Not a single point.
That´s pretty remarkable, right?
One of the best NBA-Players of all Time — and he didn`t score once an entire Summer?
Guess what he did? He went to work on developing and honing in his skills.
Every day he focused on becoming just 1% better. Mastering the Fundamentals. Open shots. Free throws. Threes.
At age 14 he was named “Best Player” in the entire State.
That doesn`t happen by accident. Success is always a result of many previous Actions which led to the big Breakthrough!
Which Skills will you need to intentionally develop to reach that next Level?
“I have learned that champions aren’t just born; champions can be made when they embrace and commit to life-changing positive habits.” ―Lewis Howes
What you do daily determines who you become. Every Action you take and every Decision you make matters.
As James Clear says: “Every Action you take is either a vote for or against the kind of Person you want to be!”
Well, guess what?
Your next Level of Confidence, Performance and Fulfillment will follow as soon as you adopt the next Level of Habits, Rituals and Routines into your Life.
Back then, it was pretty obvious that my Habits were absolutely detrimental to who I wanted to become.
My Fitness-Habits were always very solid, because I identified as being a fit and strong Person. However, my social Habits weren`t that healthy. In groups, I`d always close down. I wasn´t expressing myself. Not at all. I trained myself to be invisible.
And that led to me being incredibly lonely. I had no one to share my feelings, thoughts and pain with. Because I had simply trained myself to shut down.
Well, guess what?
For that next Level, I had to train myself to open up to people. And yes, I absolutely had to train my Communication-Skills, but…
… you don`t need to be a perfect Communicator to have deep and meaningful connections with others. You need to be open and vulnerable.
And that is a Habit. That was something I had to train myself to do.
Once I did, everything shifted.
So, here´s something I want you to do:
I want you to review what you want to achieve. What´s your Vision?
Then, write down every Habit, Ritual and Routine you have in your Life. Divide them into two Sections. Which of those are serving you in order to reach that next Level? Which of those do you need to get rid of? And what are the Habits you need to install ASAP in to your Life?
“Knowledge is power, but knowledge about yourself is self-empowerment.” — Dr. Joe Dispenza
In order to change who you are, you`ll need to change what you believe and think about yourself. Because your beliefs are a self-fulfilling Prophecy.
I bet you already heard that saying which says: whether you think you can or you think you can`t, you`re usually right!
The only limit we`ll ever have is the one we set for ourselves.
And mine were set pretty low. I believed to be shy and insecure. I thought that this is the way I am. Nothing to be done about it.
Because I had done it for so long I actually believed it to be true.
And that`s the essence of the Science of Neuroplascticity. Neuroplascticity has found that the Brain rewires itself. Whatever you feed it, it will do more of it.
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life:
“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil — he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other is good — he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you — and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
And whatever you repeat often enough becomes one of your deepest Beliefs. And it doesn`t matter, if it`s really true. It will feel true to you. Because at that point you`ve repeated it often enough and filled it with deep Emotion.
It will become a self-fulfilling Prophecy.
It`s absolutely critical that you have a Vision for your Life. A Vision that excites you. You need to have a direction in Life.
Because if you`re not connected to a better future, you`re stuck in the past.
Mine was simply the one of being someone who could attract anyone and would be able to communicate with fire and passion, unapologetically. Since then, I`ve way passed that Vision. I had to expand my dreams. That will always happen. Because your dreams are a breathing, alive Thing.
But you need to have a sense of where you´re going. And it needs to be something that excites you. That puts a fire in your belly and you can`t wait to make it a Reality.
Then you start living that Vision, that truth about yourself, every day, from now on moving forward. Your dreams are not a destination to go. They`re a place to come from. They`re deep within you.
As I started following my Vision, I actually didn`t believe it to be true.
But we don`t need to. Maybe you want to be the Best in your Craft or the CEO of Apple, or whatever. You don`t need to believe it now. Otherwise we would never change.
But here`s what you need to think, if you feel like your dream is impossible: “I`m not sure, if I actually can pull that of. But what if…
… I actually could? Would that be worth trying? Would that be worth putting in all your heart and effort?”
And if you`re excited about your Vision, the answer will always be a loud and resounding “YES”!
You don`t need to believe it now. But what if, you actually could do it?
And as you dare to do the Impossible, guess what?
You take on the Identity of that envisioned Self in the Future.
At some point, I actually did believe it to be true that I was excellent around other people. At first, I didn`t. But now I do. Although I still have some ways to go.
And now, I`ve set my sights even further: my Dream is to become the best Leadership-Expert in the World. And guess what?
At first, I had some doubts whether I was able to actually pull it of. But after I took consistent Actions in that direction, I started to believe in it. Today, only nine months after I started, I`m absolutely certain that I`ll get there.
In my mind, I`m already there.
“The fears you run away from run toward you. The fears you don’t own will own you. But behind every fear wall lives a precious treasure.” — Robin Sharma
Honestly, this is the Reason that had gotten me to a place where I actually had to reinvent myself.
Two weeks before my 14th Birthday, I, for the first time in my Life, asked a girl out on a Date (because I had no clue how to do it, I did it like they do in Movies. I wrote a love-letter and told her that I love her right away. Probably not the smartest move)!
Then I waited. For two weeks I didn`t hear anything. And then, on my 14th Birthday, I actually received a letter back.
I burned the Letter the same day. I didn`t want to have proof. I wanted to erase any evidence that I ever even asked. I was ashamed.
And that shame led me to being afraid of Rejection and Disappointment. So I learned to not ask again. For the next seven years.
Needless to say, I had my first real Date at 21 years old. I was just so afraid of being disappointed that I never tried.
But guess what?
Had I actually tried, I sure would`ve been rejected more. But I would`ve also gained much more Confidence and actually would`ve had the chance to meet someone that I really loved.
If you avoid your Fears, they`re going to hold you hostage. They`re going to take Ownership of you.
But if you dare to face them, they`ll quickly fade away.
The first few attempts won`t be pretty. They don`t need to be. You just need to get in the game!
And if you still need some Motivation, read my favorite quote of all time by Theodore Roosevelt:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;
but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
“Don`t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.” — Robert Louis Stevenson
Once I decided to face my inner Demons there was just one Problem: I seemed to make no progress.
Sure, I actually became more open. I tried more. I got more bold.
But what I really wanted was the Results: I didn`t wanted to be so lonely anymore. I wanted to find a soulmate. Someone I could trust and open up to.
And I believed that once I started doing the right things the results should be following very soon.
Well, guess what?
Life doesn`t work that way. Often enough, you`ll just need to believe in it without actually seeing the results.
Six months went by, and I stuck with it. I just knew that there was no way I would ever be going backwards. Despite my own Doubts and Insecurities.
But then six months into the journey I got really frustrated. I was still seeing no Results. I wanted to quit.
On that day there was a Party to be hosted and I decided to quit. I thought that I wouldn`t meet anyone anyways, so why bother and even go?
On that same day, I went to the gym. And I met a friend of mine. He simple encouraged me to go and take one step further. So I did.
And guess what?
I met the Love of my Life that night!
I didn´t expect it to happen. But just in that moment, when we feel like giving up, we need to take one step further. We just need to believe that our Actions will be rewarded someday.
I can`t tell you when. But if you`re doing the right things consistently, you`ll be rewarded. You`ll break through.
“No one said chasing our dreams would be easy. Good thing it`s not, for the struggle makes us stronger, wiser, more appreciative and human.” — Brendon Burchard
But until then, you and I will have to honor the Struggle. Because Struggle and Progress go hand-in-hand. You can`t have one without the other.
Because facing our Fears, developing some new Skills and installing new Habits and Beliefs have all one thing in common:
Struggle. And then Progress.
That`s the journey of Mastery. If you´re not struggling, you´re not moving forward. If you`re not being confused a lot, you`re actually not doing very much.
Accept it. And honor the Struggle. Because Struggle actually means that you`re moving forward. Even though it might not feel like it.
But guess what?
The one sitting in front of their TV and watching Netflix all day? They escaped the struggle and chose Comfort. They`re not making Progress.
But you do. You chose to read an educational Article instead of browsing off for the latest Cat-Video on Youtube.
That´s why you`ll succeed. That`s why you`ll excel.
Struggle is necessary for Growth. And remember to simply to take one more step forward when you feel like giving up. Your breakthrough is right around the corner. You just can`t see it yet!
And what if…
… you were to actually make your dreams a reality and reinvent yourself?
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